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Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

15.06.2025 10:39

Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

So I finally threw my hands up and said something to the tune of “fuck it, since I can't seem to change, I’ll just be whatever I am then.”

In the absence of a should, I was free to be as I am.

And the sadness?

Why does my private parts itch so much during certain periods?

This interpretation lead me on a path of self improvement, to fix what I considered to be “wrong” with myself.

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what caused what, but to the best of my ability to describe it, I felt as if my will to keep fighting was beaten right out of me.

Needless to say, my failed attempts to fix my sadness simply brought me more pain and suffering.

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What I am trying to say is that when you stop trying to change yourself into something you are not, you give yourself the gift of discovering yourself as you already are.

It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I finally fell out of that ferris wheel of trying and failing to fix myself.

Your job is not to be the manager of your life, but the one who discovers yourself fully.

Why does my vagina smell sort of fishy/musty days after sex when my boyfriend ejaculates in me? There isn’t any itching or burning when urinating, so I don't think I have BV. It just doesn't smell like me.

I was tired of fighting.

It’s the most beautiful and liberating thing in the world.

Most people that know me would probably describe me as a social, happy, and somewhat quirky person with a twisted sense of humor.

How do you go about getting invited to an orgy?

So if you are sad - like me - then be sad.

I had run out of hope.

But unlike before, there is no more resistance to the sadness.

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Without resistance, sadness has a sense of beauty and depth I cannot find otherwise in life.

When I stopped trying to force myself to be something I am not, I gave myself the freedom of being who I am.

You are like me, then.

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It’s impossible to overstate the freedom and peace I discovered, and I realized the only one who had been keeping those from me was… me and my imagined standards and expectations for how I had imagined I should be.

It’s still here.

But no matter what I read or practiced, I could never make the sadness budge for longer than a few fleeting moments - and even then, it was likely due to me being distracted from the sensation of sadness rather than anything actually shifting.

Can you turn 150 pages into a 5 minute presentation before a meeting?

Now, this may sound like a story of failure and giving up, but it’s actually a story of liberation.

The sadness was still there.

What most people don’t know unless they’ve looked more closely is that there is also an element of deep, profound sadness that has always been with me since as long as I can remember.

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For much of my adult life, I interpreted this sadness as something being wrong - with either myself or my life in general.

I was tired of trying and failing.

Be who you already are.

What were the first few days, weeks, months and then years like after finding out about your spouses infidelity? How did your feelings, and yours & their approach to the situation change in the immediate aftermath compared to later down the line?

It’s here now, writing to you.

You are the masterpiece you came here to discover.